A Ray of Light in the Darkness

The day I’ve been dreading ever since this whole thing began is coming soon. Once the paper is signed, the divorce will be final. There will be no going back. It feels like thick darkness surrounds me. But….there is one ray of light that shines like a beacon.

After the reality of this situation hit me when I awoke this morning, it was followed by the memory of two journal entries. Here is an excerpt from each.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Amanda Shay Nelson was born on Thursday, Dec. 19, 2013. She was 5 lbs. 13 oz., 19 ½ inches long, and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen….

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Dr. Allred had to use forceps to help you out of the birth canal and you took your first breath at 1:46 in the morning. You did not cry all that much. You fussed a little bit, and I think you were in awe of this new world because you were looking around and taking it all in. The moment I first saw you, there was an immediate connection. I had been praying that I would be allowed to feel something for you in regards to your birth so that I too, could feel a bond to my daughter. My first thought when you were born was Wow! She’s mine! When it was my turn to hold you, I held you in my arms and looked in to your eyes. I don’t know that anything in particular was going through my mind, just utter joy at the thought of holding you. It was one of the only times in my life that I was truly in the moment…

Mandy, always remember that you are a daughter of God. He loves you. He has sent you to me to take care of you. I want to be your dad. I want to give you a home where you can be happy and comfortable and safe, and I want to teach you…

I know that life will get busy…you will get a little older and not be so dependent on me. There will also come a day when your desire to be with me won’t be near as appealing as other things. You may even rebel just a little and be a cranky teenager. I really don’t know. As your dad, I may get irritated with you and feel like spanking you sometimes. I may not have an interest in the feminine things you do, which is only natural because I am a man. But I can promise you one thing, Mandy: I will always love you! When you need me, I’ll be there. I will be a dad who can hold you, wipe away your tears, and comfort you as you grow and experience the hard things of life. I will provide for you and protect you. I will spend time with you and allow you to experience a little bit of the childhood that I grew up with. Perhaps we will even have a common interest that we like to do together. That would mean a lot to me. Thanks for letting me be your dad, and letting me grow with you as you grow up. Thank you for the gift you’ve given me of being able to believe in dreams again. Life begins!!!

Friday, Dec. 16, 2016

…I thought of Mandy & Ryker and I was overcome with so much love I though my heart would burst…I will love them as I never have before and cherish every moment. I will be their dad…When I focus on my kids, I feel happy. That should be my focus now….I am so excited to see my kids…

 

 

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